In the political reality of today’s America, you have to try and savor joy wherever you can find it. Fortunately for those people who stay informed, the Trump administration is a constant source of humor … provided you get tickled by things that are “funny because they herald the end of our society.” And no member of the Trump team is as hi-LAR-ious as it’s mouthpiece, Press Secretary Sean Spicer, a man so laughably bad at his job that every single source in the article to follow was published since he took office less than two months ago. Late night talk show host Stephen Colbert once called Spicey, “the MC Escher of bullsh*t.” That might be a little generous considering that MC Escher was an artist and Sean Spicer is so bad at his job that it’s almost like he’s working for the other team.
1. When You Can’t Rely on Notes or Hatred, Go With Racism!
On Saturday afternoon, March 11, Sean Spicer was confronted at a DC-area Apple store by an (understandably) irate Indian-American woman named Shree Chauhan. Chauhan lived out every liberal American’s dream, asking the Press Secretary a series of blunt questions. How does it feel to work for a fascist? Have you helped with the Russia stuff? Are you a criminal as well? Have you committed treason, too, just like the president?” In response, Spicer smiled at Chauhan and said, “Such a great country that allows you to be here.”
2. He Really, REALLY Hates Dippin’ Dots
Over the course of seven years, Sean Spicer has used his Twitter account to wage a one-man war against Dippin’ Dots, the minuscule freeze-dried ice cream balls that come in a variety of colors, but only one flavor. Not sure what it’s called, but it’s what “holy crap, why did I put dry ice directly on my tongue!” tastes like. Perhaps because he made the mistake of shelling out six bucks at a ball game for the inedible frozen concoction, the Press Secretary has taken it upon himself to inform the public on several occasions, that Dippin’ Dots — which bills itself as the ice cream of the future — is definitely NOT from the future. Just know, people, that they are not shipping the stuff back from the future via time machine, regardless of what their slogan says.
3. He Really Steers Into that SNL Mockery
Maybe because Sean Spicer doesn’t fully understand the concept of a joke, he’s been doing his best to feed new material to SNL and Melissa McCarthy, a performer Spicer presumably refers to as, “that lively documentarian.” On the announcement of the wildly unpopular American Health Care Act, Spicer — like his sketch comedy counterpart — used a visual aid to prove why this new legislation was fantastic. Of course, his point amounted to: less reading good, more reading bad. That might not sound like a good selling point. You know, because the AHCA will cost the country billions of dollars to implement while simultaneously denying health care to millions of people. However, when you consider the folks who voted for Trump really do hate their books, using SNL-style visual aids might actually work to Spicey’s benefit.
4. He Tweets Like an Retiree
Now, typically, it’s not a big deal if the face of the White House can’t really do social media that well. However, when your boss is Donald Trump, the first comment troll ever to be elected President of the United States, then you gotta know how to use it. Too bad Spicey can’t seem to figure out how to actually work the darn thing. Here’s a tweet from earlier this month.
Another day, another D'oh! pic.twitter.com/eqUQkC456L
— Mark Harris (@MarkHarrisNYC) March 2, 2017
5. No, the President Didn’t Actually Mean ‘Wiretapping’ When He Tweeted About ‘Wire Tapping’
Here’s one of those moments where Sean Spicer’s ability as a deadpan comedian is really underrated. In mid-March, the Ginger President went on a Twitter rant wherein he accused former President Obama of wiretapping Trump Tower prior to the election. Of course, Trump spelled it “wire tapp” which is wrong in oh so many ways. Anyway, when asked about it, the Press Secretary said — with a straight face, mind you — that Trump used the term “wire tapp” in quotes not because he’s terrible at grammar (and kinda stupid), but because he was using the specific term as a stand-in for a broader forms of surveillance which the White House definitely used under Obama. Sure, there’s definitely room for a broader interpretation in Trump’s wording. It’s not like the President is directly accusing Obama himself of specifically tapping his pho- … oh, wait.
How low has President Obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 4, 2017
6. He Will Freaking Lose It On the Press (and It’s Amazing)
Last year, in his run-up to the election, Trump cried “phony” when it came to the low unemployment numbers touted by the Obama administration. Now that he’s the Prez, Trump is happily taking credit for those numbers. This (along with the aforementioned “wire tapping” debacle) prompted NBC News correspondent Peter Alexander to ask Spicer, “When can we trust the president, when he says something is phony or when he says it’s real?” Spicer waisted no time in using his big boy voice to say, “Trust that it’s real!”
7. Spicer Isn’t What You’d Call a ‘Details’ Guy
Exhibit A: He once called the Prime Minister of Canada “Joe Trudeau” in spite of the fact that the world leader’s first name is “Justin.” Sure, not a big deal when you’re a man on the street, but when you’re the White House Press Secretary, you might want to know the name of the man running the country right next door. Also, Exhibit B: this tweet in which he proved that he’s a) never heard of The Onion, and b) he doesn’t read to the end of the sentence.
You nailed it. Period! https://t.co/AUmS1C222b
— Sean Spicer (@seanspicer) January 29, 2017
8. The Realest Thing He’s Ever Done Was an Accident
On March 12, Spicer showed up to the morning briefing with his American flag pin on upside down. Historically, that’s the sign of a country in distress (it’s also the logo for House of Cards). Spicer quickly fixed the pin when it was pointed out and then moved on with his day. I like to pretend “the error” was intentional and that Sean Spicer is actually a hostage who’s trying to reveal as much information to the public as possible without getting himself killed by Steve Bannon’s hired assassins (because you know that guy has hired assassins).
9. Dubya Loved to Mess With Him
Say what you will about Bush the Younger’s time as President of the United States, as a retired politician he’s just a good-natured dude who likes to work on mediocre paintings. Secretly, he’s always been that way, like the time he made his angry little assistant US trade rep dress as the Easter Bunny for the annual White House Easter Egg Roll.
10. He’s Always Had a Reputation
In 1993, when Spicey was a senior in college, the paper published a story about some random non-smoking bill to which Spicer had contributed. Of course, the school paper actually referred to him as “Sean Sphincter.” Spicer wrote a letter to the paper, calling the obviously-not-an-error, “a malicious and intentional attack,” before concluding that calling him a name in print isn’t protected by the First Amendment.
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